Eye spy with my little eye, God remaking the fabric of
Merced. My daughter Emily and I know how to cheer each other up. We can start a
game of “eye spy.” No matter where we are or what we are doing, when we spend
time noticing the world around us, noticing God’s great work, and sharing it
with each other, we escape the trap of self-absorption. So come on a journey
with me – a journey of noticing Merced being remade by a God whose love has power over shame.
Off to College. Parents all over are feeling a mixture of
joy and worry. We heard prayer requests in church from Jill and me as we
struggle to trust God with our precious girls, Kelsey and Kaela. I met Clarissa
Rohm yesterday. Her mother Denise is going through the same anxiety; born in
love. In fact, Joyce Hall and I shared our nervous excitement about our college
aged children just last Saturday, when she shared that Jillian’s graduate
education is taking her out of the home. The love we have for our children is
something of a universal common ground. Start a conversation with a question
about our children and just watch the details gush out of us. It doesn’t end
with college, these joyful stories and heart-felt worries come from more veteran
parents like Claudia Speziale (Kaytie) and Gwen Marshall (Kris) as well. 
Once we experience the gift of parenthood, we receive a gift
of love. This love is something that gives us an enduring sense of concern, a
protective instinct, and an eye for danger that represents the slightest risk
to our children’s wellbeing and calls us to action. It seems like our children
never really leave all the way. There is something about the bonding
experiences that parents in every walk of life enjoy; is it God knitting
together the fabric of family, the fabric of community? The moment when we hold
our child for the first time and dream of the possibilities of the future; the
moments of suckling and cooing and baby talk that fill a room when happy
families bond in a net of met needs; the moments of unbridled pride when our
beloved child stands out slightly from the crowd, singing a song, hitting a
ball, passing a test, acting in compassion, standing up for what is right, or
standing up against all odds for themselves – can these be stitches in God’s
fabric – a fabric that binds us together in love? For a parent it is like this
precious life is forever set apart – completely unique in a sea of the common,
the risky, and the dangerous. (Is that a modern reflection of Clint Eastwood’s
“the Good, the Bad, & the Ugly?)
What if this child, so precious, was truly part of an at
risk community. What if we could see that our child was 8 times more likely to
attempt suicide, 5 times more likely to become addicted to drugs and alcohol, 2
times more likely to contract a sexually transmitted disease? Where would our
anxiety levels be then? Would we want to seek help? Would we want to seek
community? Would we want to go to any length to reduce the danger and increase
the security? Most of the time, our children are not at risk. There are no food
insecurities. They don’t live in abject poverty. Most of our children are part
of the dominant cultures among their peers. For most of us, identifying this
increased risk and eliminating it would be socially acceptable, even a cultural
mandate.
Yesterday PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbian And Gay)
sponsored an event that brought significant awareness and hope to the families
of our community. Dr. Caitlin Ryan, a clinical researcher in the community of
Social Workers, has identified significant pathways to reduce the danger to our
precious, at risk youth. She says it is low cost, it is low tech, but it is not
easy. She says “it’s about relationship.” The at risk youth are the LGBT
(Lesbian Gay Bisexual & Transgender) youth. The solution is a love that
defeat’s shame.
When our culture identifies a person’s identity as a source
of shame, the danger is profound and measurable. Measuring the negative impact
of shaming an identity is just what Dr. Ryan and her team has done. Since 1906,
when the term Homosexual was invented, the culture of shame for this particular
group has continued to grow. The identity of an LGBT child is such a dreadful
possibility in our various cultural realities that the process of “coming out” could
be more dangerous and difficult than the original process of “coming out”
(birth). We have children saving up their allowances because they know that
when their parents find out, they will be homeless. We have children convinced
by the rampant phobic behaviors in their homes, schools, and churches that
their natural identity is a disappointment and hardship to their families. This
is shaming an identity and it has consequences.
Dr. Caitlin Ryan, PFLAG, and other community health organizations
want us to know not just the consequences, but also that there is a solution
within our grasp. The statistics of risk that I mentioned above are the
statically measured consequences of shaming the LGBT identity. I would venture
a guess that many other marginalized identities that are the object of unjust shame
carry similar statistics (Poverty, Physical and Mental abnormalities, or even
Racial Identities). Dr. Ryan demonstrated that families that are able to
respond to their children with their natural tendencies to love, protect, and
cherish their children, greatly reduce the risks to the child with a shamed
identity. Shouldn’t we all be able to act like the parents with whom I opened
this blog? Shouldn’t every child have a guardian that fights for her/his
ability to thrive? Shouldn’t every child feel the fabric of community being
knitted, by God, into swaddling clothes?
If our culture stands in the way, we must change our culture.
It’s the culture of shame that causes us to turn a blind eye. Parents are torn
between the beliefs of their faith community and the love of their children.
Parents are torn between the “ideals” of our dominant expectations of gender
and attraction and the reality that the object of their affection is not in the
pattern of “ideal.” Parents are afraid that they will lose the status of
“normal” or “faithful” or “good parent” when the truth is known. We Can Change
this, “Si, Se Pueda.” Faith communities like ours can draw the circle wider. We
can tear down the walls of shame and we must. Our walls of shame don’t just
exist at the doors of our churches; but when we build them, they exist in the
schools and in the homes that are under the umbrellas of our cultural
influence. The time for silence is gone. Get your trumpets and this wall will
go the way of the wall in Jericho.
Why? This is why. Dr. Caitlin Ryan demonstrates in her
research that when a GLBT child experiences change in the family acceptance
levels from great disapproval to disapproval, the suicide attempts drop from
800% of normal to 400% of normal. Addiction and STD dangers are also cut in
half. This is not the result of erasing shame completely. This is just toning
it down. We can do this, and we can do even better than this. Shouldn’t our
community be a place where avoidable risks to our children are actually
avoided? Dr. Ryan shows that we don’t even need to change people’s beliefs to make
a difference. We just need to make it safe for people to change their behavior,
safe for all parents to do what comes naturally anyway –to love and cherish
their children, safe for all identities to find validation. We have love and
love has power over shame. Now we have the science to prove it. You have ideas
about how to put our love to work. I know you do. Let’s talk.
Enjoy God,
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